A Grace in Time...

Jacek Malczewski

 Oh, you who came and kissed my head in my delirium.

Come once again and allow me to feel your cool lips on my forehead, Sweet Mother Mary, as you whisper in my ear, "All will be well."

Fifty and, ummmm....FABULOUS?????

Today this little girl turns 50 years old. I remember when I was 30 years old, my favorite Aunt died...she was 49 years old. I remember thinking right then, that I would not live to see my 50th Birthday and here it is. One day, a few years ago, I said to my husband, "I just have this feeling that I'm going to die young." His response was, "Well, Lindy...look on the bright side, NOW you'll die 'middle aged'"!
So, I made it to 50 after all! This year has had it's bumps with 2 surgeries, 3 hospital stays, but with God's grace and LOTS of people praying for me, I now am the age that I TRULY did NOT think I'd make. So, now what?!?!? NOW, I stop living in fear! NOW I embrace who I am, and who God intended me to be! I refuse to kick myself, for waiting so long to do this. I want to live my life in God's grace...stop wearing a mask pretending to be someone else! Be one of those woman who embraces her middle age....grey hairs and all! I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not.
My mom was a beautiful woman. Truly, she was very attractive and did some modeling, made a few commercials etc. Most of my life I felt that she didn't think I was attractive...she would say thinks like, "You still have those damn sad eyes"...or,"I hate your hair like that"! As you can imagine, this really affected me really my whole life and I have really STRUGGLED with vanity, and I'm pretty sure that's the reason. Don't get me wrong, my mother was NOT a bad person...I loved her and she loved me...but, she was not the "model" mother, just like I wasn't the "model" mother. She did the best that she knew how. I don't even know why I am writing all this!! Oh yeah! My beautiful mother was always dying her hair. Seriously, we NEVER knew what color hair Mom would have! She was a brunette, blond, redhead, frosted...you name it! One year I went to visit and her hair was salt and pepper! NATURAL!! SHE WAS EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL... I LOVED IT!! She looked like a MOM and not a sister! That's when I told myself that when/if I reach 'middle age status', I'm going to try to do it with grace and not mess with how God created me! After all...God doesn't make junk! I thought the age of 50 would be a good time to do this...but, after my surgeries this past year and me not getting to the Hairdressers, the greys are all ready there and I'm keeping them! The funny thing is how other people, mostly women, stare at my head! Or, say things like, "You're too young to go grey!"
My reply is that I really, REALLY, REEEALLY want to start embracing the woman that GOD intended me to me!! NOT who society says I should be! Maybe it's true that when you reach a certain age, you just get tired 'playing the game'. It's so silly to play the game anyways! All you end up with is regret. My intimate relationship with Christ has played a HUGE part in this, I know! God doesn't make junk! I'm PERFECT just the way I am! "I am my beloved's and his desire is for me"! (Song of Songs 7:10) The Holy Spirit is urging me to stop being who I'm not! TRUST HIM...I'm good the way I am!! With HIS grace he wants to make me BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE...THEN...I'll be beautiful on the outside!! When my face and attitude SHINES IN HIS LOVE!! I am PERFECTION in His eyes!
GOD DOESN'T MAKE JUNK!